the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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