Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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