I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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