Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
