Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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