can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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