i think i have two assholes
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize