My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
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