i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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