Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize
