I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
