I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
