grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
