theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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