'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
