i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You made out with two different species that night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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