I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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