My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
