I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
