guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
