I cannot find my penis.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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