The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
