You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize