And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
