his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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