you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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