Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
