bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
This baby is an asshole
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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