Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
