I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
