By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
