I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Randomize
