It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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