he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
