the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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