does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
