yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
