like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
