Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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