Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
