she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
