I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
