You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
