the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
