Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize