In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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