The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
