you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
