I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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