Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize