dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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