I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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