I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
