I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
My pussy is not your playground.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
