I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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