can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
