i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
